Really?

I am Sorry I am such a disappointment to you!

Somebody was in Pain!

I chose to try to Help!

Somebody may loose a Loved One!

I Chose to try to Help!

As a person who Knows the Heartache and

Never Ending Hurt to Lose Someone I could not

turn my Back and Walk away!

Only now you say your fed up?

Done with me?

Really?

You Hate for me for being what it is you claimed to Love me for!

Really?

I'm back! Of course I am a bit weathered! I have never felt o alone as I do right now! Of course I know I am to give it all to God but.................

Change, change, change................

Like some of my fellow bloggers I to seemed to drop off for a minute. But I am back. I can say life is different. It is amazing how things can change so quickly and you find yourself feeling so alone. I have been told I am going thru what can be called as an end to a Season and now a new one begins. Nice. I sometimes have to remind myself that God is in control and I just need to sit on my hands and let him be.

My world has been a bit of a mess. Like my friend RB, I have been faced with the fact that we are all here for just a short time and we need to be sure that those that we love know it not only by our words but by our actions also.

My mom almost died last week and I was so scared and so alone. All I could do is just go thru the motions and Pray that God will get us thru this. One of my wayward sons was in a bad car accident in the same week and had to have surgery. Of course he is going to be ok he just won't be walking for a few months. Once again the fear grows. Then my relationship finally was laid to rest after weeks of striving to keep it together. Oh so alone.

I know that I have my responsibility in this relationship ending but I can't help but feel like I gave so much to this man and was there for him for the last 3 years . I supported him no matter what he was going thru. It didn't matter if he made bad choices or not. Then when I needed his support and understanding and patience he basically left me hanging. His way or the highway. I guess his love wasn't deep or real enough to try to work thru our problems. Forgiveness is the key to happiness. God knows I have been very forgiving of him. Unfortunately this man does not know how to forgive for real and that is so sad.

I rely on God to bring all of us thru these changes in our lives and of course I only want Darren to be happy.

I'm going to miss all of the Buckmans as well as Christ Community Church. But as it is, I was told to stay away from him and his family. So I shall. I will find another Christian Community that I can join I'm sure of that. I know that God does love me and wants me and my sons , so He will lead us to a place that we can Worship Him and hear His Word.

I'm also starting my AA and NA meetings again. This is a time when I should not be alone.

Thats it for now, next time will be way more upbeat I promise.

wow, today i went with my son Billy to enroll him in his new high school and i must say i was soooo proud of him. you see , he is a junior in high school and he has a 4.0 gpa. woww !!!!! he basically has completed all his required course s so his schedule is pretty relaxed for his junior and senior year. he has planned his entire high school career. i think abou t where we all were just a few years ago and i Thank GOD.

Sometimes I think I have so much to write here but once I get started I clam up. I have recently been Blessed with the return of my 3rd son, Billy, to my home. He is 16 years old and he and his 14 year old brother have been in foster care for a few years now. I have worked very hard to comply with what the county has asked yet still I have been told it isn't good enough. So what do I do?? Sometimes I get so discouraged. I mean who are they to give me one son back but then cut both me and him off from the other son???? I understand that the county has made alot of bad decesions regarding leaving children in homes when they should have been removed before it is too late but what about the children who they remove and refuse to give back to the parents?? who makes these decisions, I don't kn ow. All I can do is stay strong and rely on God to move in these people to see that I am a good loving person and my boys would be so much better off if we could once again be a family.

Bob Marley??

My future brother in law (his wife calls Darren her brother outlaw) gave me a tip on blog pictures. Basically he was trying to politely tell me that my blog pic sucked, I think. He said I look like someone called bob marley. {who?} That I might consider changeing my Profile Photo { sounds like something the FBI or CIA would have control of} So I did just that I changed it. Now the one posted cannot be confused for anyone but ME !! So Ry-Ry I hope you like this one better. If not be careful for what you wish for. Lord only knows what the next Profile photo might be. It could be of both you and Darren from back in the day. Yes RY-RY I got it like that. Lots o Love to those who Love. by the way who is Bob Marley?

All the sudden

Okay, here I am at work trying to honestly earn my peanuts { my boss thinks I'm over paid}

when all the sudden.................Nothing comes to mind............my kids come to mind............the boyfriend comes to mind..............and somehow I know it is all related or relative??

My second son recently got released from the county jail, not a proud moment to say the least, but it is what it is. He has to do work project and report to probation and get a job and help pay his rent where he and the girl {and her son} live and so on and so on.

Of course he also has to stay away from the people he refers to as his homeboys.

You see when my son has no choice but to follow the rules he does great. ie: group home, juvi, jail. He even said its because he knows if he doesn't he will face consequences. What I don't understand is if you know this thewn why can't you do just as good when you are free on the streets so to speak??? For some reason my boy seems to forget how it is in jail.

Of course right now he has been out for almost two weeks and I must admit so far so good. He has actually broke his personal record of keeping right. He has turned in almost a dozen job applications even. So, from where I stand I see a young man trying to do the next right thing!!!

I have a long history of enableing my boys simply by being there when they need money or a ride or something to eat. Even when they were out there running amuk.

I have been told again & again to stop. To tell him no help from me untill you get right. I agree but common sense tells me that while he is trying to do the next right thing I should be supportive. I know I should draw the line somewhere. But, I don't think it is a bad thing to enable him when he doing all the things required of him.

We all need a little support every now and then and we all need to know that our family is there for us. It is easy for the mind to say @*#% it when we face a set back or feel let down. But if I can be there to say"right on" or "I'm proud of you" or " lets go have a burger to talk about your progress" then I belive it is less likely he will let those @*#& it times bring him down.

Sure my boys have done a lot of things that are dishonorable and disespectful but I also know GOD forgives them so who am I or you not to .

We all deserve a second, third, fourth chance. If not most of us would have been finished log ago.